# A Big Thank You



## skippershe

To my dear Outbacker family,

I know, it's been 3 months since I've disappeared and I just haven't been able to sit down and write.

First of all, I want to thank everyone here for all the love and support I have received since Pat passed away on January 8th. I have never felt such an outpouring of sincere caring everything that you all have shown. The gifts and cards and private messages have been amazing and I just don't how I can thank you all enough.

I will try to explain what has happened...

I came home from a night shift at Starbucks, but before coming home, I called Pat to see if he was hungry. He told me that he would like a Chicken Chibatta sandwich from Jack in the box, so I brought it home and he commented on how good it was. He then told me that he was tired (around 10:00 pm). By around 11:30 that night, I heard him throwing up violently in the bathroom which lasted about 10 minutes. He came out and said he didn't think that sandwich agreed with him. Thoughout our marriage he would throw up like this if he ate something yucky, so I didn't feel any cause for alarm. He came into the living room where I was sitting and layed down on the sofa next to me. His only words were "My chest hurts"...He then sat up suddenly and leaned forward with his head in his hands. I was rubbing his back when it occurred to me to ask if he could be having a heart attack. He didn't speak, he just suddenly collapsed face first onto our glass coffee table and started gurgling like he was taking his last breaths right in front of me. I ran for the phone to call 911 while screaming his name...Our son Michael was sleeping in his bed and I still do not know how he slept through my frantic screaming. The 911 operator asked me if Pat was breathing, but he fell face down on the rug between the sofa and the table and I was unable to turn him. He tried to lift his head and get up, but I told him to stay down and that help was on the way. It felt like forever before they arrived. They had a tube down Pat's throat to breathe for him, an IV and a pad on his chest. By this time I was on the phone calling his brother to have he and his wife come over so I could go to the hospital, as I couldn't leave our son alone. I was watching the monitor that they had hooked up, and it was flatlined. They rushed Pat to Hoag hospital and I arrived around 20 minutes later. We were shown a small waiting room, and the minute I saw it, I knew it wasn't the room where they give you anything but bad news. The bad news came, they were unable to revive him after 50 minutes. My world collapsed and it's been really tough going every since. Our son had lost a tooth the day before, and after being up all night, I had to play the tooth fairy, get him ready for school and then try to figure out how I was going to tell him that his daddy died...after all, daddy put him to bed that night and wasn't coming home ever again. How do you explain that one to a 7 year old boy?? When he came home that afternoon, I took him into our bedroom with his Uncle Larry and told him that we had some sad news. He looked up at me and said "Did my daddy die?" I don't know how he knew, but he did and we had to explain things in a way that he could understand.

Michael is doing amazing and always talks about his daddy and the things they liked to do together. He did tell me yesterday that he can't remember daddy's voice any more (yep, that one killed me), so I guess that's a sign that I need to dig out the video tapes and get them transferred to dvds so we can watch them someday.

So that's my story...I found out that Pat had a genetic disease called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy which he was born with, and never had a single symptom such as shortness of breath or difficulty breathing at night. I have decided to go through genetic testing to find out if our son may have inherited the disease...it turns out he has a 50/50 chance of having it. The coroner saved vials of Pat's blood and I found out that to test it, will cost around $5000.00. I discovered a website who's foundation is called HCMA.org where the founder takes 10 pro bono (free) cases a year and amazingly enough, is going to help us out by paying for our testing. I still cannot believe the generosity and compassion, and am so fortunate to have been touched by so many wonderful people and organizations willing to help. There is a church that is paying 2 months of our mortgage that will allow me to save the money for our property taxes this year. The same church is also giving us $100.00 market gift cards for the next 6 months. My husband's company is paying for our COBRA until the end of June and also reimbursed me for the entire cost of Pat's funeral.

Since we had never discussed what our final wishes would be if one of us passed away, I had Pat cremated and scattered his ashes from the back of a beautiful 50 foot sportfisher right next to the Huntington Beach Pier about 300 yards from where he loved to surf. You could hear the surfers whooping it up while they were enjoying a huge swell and great waves. The sun was out, dolphins swam by us and I was told that a large butterfly flew up to the back of the boat after Pat's ashes were released and we had headed back to the harbor. We each threw a flower into the sea in Pat's honor and circled the blueish white cloud of ashes that formed under water after the release.

There are so many details that I could go into and I know I'm totally rambling right now. This is the first time I have had the nerve to just start typing, so forgive me for the lousy composition.

I am now back at work so I can get insurance benefits. Thank goodness that Starbucks offers full benefits with only 20 hours per week. My hours are perfect and they allow me to drop Michael off at school and pick him up by the time he's out for the day.

I love receiving email and PM's, so please don't think you are invading my privacy any longer (not that any of you ever have).

I will probably be listing our truck and trailer for sale as soon as I am able to face the fact that I just cannot keep them sitting around. Not that I can't bear to look at them, but because I don't want them to just sit and not taken care of. It kills me to even think about selling. 
Please, if you do have interest in either the truck or trailer, Honda quad, Harley Davidson, massive gun collection and safe (Kind of kidding with the list, but thought I'd throw them all out there, and yes, Pat died with the most toys) feel free to contact me.

I will try to promise, now that I have finally spilled my story, that I will try to be a bit more involved here. I miss you all, and I hope to get to know the many new members that have joined Outbackers since my absence.

Love, Dawn


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## Calvin&Hobbes

Wow Dawn... Thank you for sharing. It was hard to read with my eyes welling up. You are truly a pillar of strength, and always remember the Higgins' will have a prayer for you, Michael and Pat. As long as you have the memories, Pat is with you and Michael.


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## Oregon_Camper

Dawn,

I for one am saddened all over for you and your family again after reading your post. I've sent you PM's and allowed you respond or not respond on your own time.

You have been a great "virtual" friend and I wish you and your family the best in this difficult time. As I said in my PM's to you...if you need anything, don't be afraid to ask. I'm willing to help you however possible.

Your Friend,

Jim


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## Insomniak

I'm still not sure I can find the right words, but I tried in my PM this morning. We're just around the corner if you need anything.


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## prevish gang

Funny you should choose to write this week, because not 2 days ago I was wondering how you made it through Easter. I think of you often and truly hurt for what you and your son are living through. It certainly is harder for the ones left behind. You must be a very strong woman. I wish I was closer to be able to help.

Darlene


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## OregonCampin

Dawn - It sounds like you have amazing support where you are, but if you need anything please feel free to ask. You have always been such a pillar of strength to everyone here and I know that I would love to do anything I could to repay your generosity and caring over the years.

Shannon


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## ember

Dawn,
I don't know what to say that others haven't already said, but all those words of support and more. It seems strange to me to cry for someone I've never met, but the tears I've shed for your family over the last months are no less intense than the tears shed for my immediate family. ALL my family lived within a few hours drive of each other until I joined Outbackers, and now I have family all across the country including you and Michael.
I will continue to pray for your continued strength.
TTFN
Ember


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## mike

Dawn, as others have said its difficult to find the words to know what to say. I can only say our thought and prayers have been with u and ur family and also has been said before if u need anything please let us know.


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## fourwalls

Many of us have wondered and worried what had come of you. Glad to hear from you. We have been sending prayer your way. I am proud of the pillar of strength you have been for your son. If you feel you must sell things for financial reasons then good luck. If you can make it with out selling then give it time and maybe you and your little guy can venture out on your own or maybe park the outback in a permanent spot. that way you would not have to quit camping and enjoying your family time with the outback. Either way remember we are all here and love to PM or post.


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## mountainlady56

Wow, Dawn! You really have come through an awful lot and seem to be dealing with it extraordinarily well, though I know it's gotta be hard. I'm so glad you have Michael. Sometimes, we have to be strong for our kids, but don't forget to take care of yourself, along the way. I'm on the opposite coast, but just a phone call away, and I've sent you my #, if you ever need to talk, ANY time, day or night, I'll be here for you. Like others said, YOU are part of MY family, now, and I love you just like a sister or cousin, even though I've never even met you.
I can't imagine the fortitude it took typing the story of Pat's death......you ARE strong!! I'm so glad there has been an outpouring of love and generosity for you and Michael, especially in these financially difficult times. That just goes to show that there ARE still good people out there, and they WILL come through for those in need.
Thanks for "getting back in the saddle", as I surely have missed you on here. It will be a difficult day to see the truck and the OB go, but you've made the decision, and I'm sure it's right for you. Maybe you can get back into camping, one day, and enjoy the time spent with Michael, like I do with Jimmy. Until then, please let me know if you ever need anything, and I do mean that, from the bottom of my heart.
Love in Christ,
Darlene


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## JerseyGirl86

Hi Dawn!

This is my very first response here although I joined last month....waiting to get the Outback before I actually talk about it.....Anyway, please know that as I read your post I cried and cried. I am so so very sorry to hear about Pat and all you and Michael have to face together. There has never been anything in my life that has ever affected me more than the loss of my Dad. I was just shy of 4 years old when he died in a car accident not far from our farm. It absolutely devastated our family, especially since he was only 26 years old, also had a 1 year old, a young wife, and a mother and father that thought he was the most perfect individual in the whole world. When he died, it changed my life in ways that I'll never realize....I cried for him 6 months straight, which my mom says made her cry six months more.

Even now at 40 years old, my heart aches to think of my life without him and all that we've missed together....the grandchildren he's never seen, the holidays and laughter we've shared, the hugs I desperately needed at times over the last 36 years. In ways, I think his dying so young made me a better mother, made me more prepared for the uncertanties in life, and made me live and love each day and all the people in my life. I don't take anyone or anything for granted. I am grateful for my life and the lives of my children. I live my days for my family and never miss an opportunity to let them know how much I love them.

My mom was like you and focused on her children and keeping them happy. She tried to fill his shoes and go the extra mile for us. She remarried, not so happily, but gave it a shot and tried to go on. She struggled, mentally and financially, and says those years years were really hard. I'm sure they were , so it makes me happy to see her enjoying her life and the people around her. She's with someone now, (and I actually love him!) and I'm sure she wishes things were different, but life must go on and so it does.

You've got a long road ahead of you and it sounds like you are surrounded by good, caring people. You are a wonderful mother and have Michael's best interests at heart always. What a lucky little boy! What a great gift to have videos of all of you together!!! You will cherish those as time goes on.

I will be thinking of you and checking in to see how you are both doing. My greatest wish for you is to have a beautiful life surrounded by the love of friends and family. Pat would want nothing less!

Take care....

Michele


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## jozway

Dawn,
You truly are an amazing woman. You're son is one lucky kid to have such a cool mom. Keep up the good fight.
Joe


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## Doxie-Doglover-Too

you know I love ya lady







! and I'll keep pming!


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## FlashG

Dawn, Thanks for sharing.

I have a very similar story to tell. I was a little younger than your Son when my father died suddenly in the back seat of our car on a family vacation. My father also had a heart condition and was 39 when he died.

Thanks for reminding us every day is precious and important.

God bless you and your family.


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## Highlander96

Dawn,

Thank you for sharing your story. I have often thought about you and your son and wondered how you were doing. It's hard to express our sorrow for you and your family. Know that we are still thinking and praying for you.

Michelle


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## dunn4

Today I attended the funeral of a friend, neighbor, and my son's scout leader for many years. Massive heart attack at 48, leaving four children (ages 18, 16, 14, and 13) and his wife of nearly 20 years. A man that was an example for many and lived his faith.

Now I read your post and am lifted by your strength. Thank you for sharing and may God's many blessings through family, friends, Outbackers, and strangers too, continue to comfort you and your son.


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## Chabbie1

Dawn,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was just last week when we were talking and wondering how you were doing. We have missed you. 
Even though your story brought tears to our eyes, we are glad to hear that you are doing as well as you are. You are an amazing woman and mom. If there is anything we can do here up north, please let us know. 
Keep posting and take it one day at a time,
Always,
The Chabbie1's


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## hyewalt34

God bless you Dawn.

Walter


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## PDX_Doug

Dawn,

It's great to see you back, and to hear how well Michael is adjusting. Even though you have shared of events of that tragic night in January with me previously, it still brought tears to my eyes to read it again. That, and a feeling of what an amazing woman this is, to be able to sit down now and share with all of us what has to be a horribly difficult time to recount.

I hope you can find more time to spend with us now that the ice is broken. There is something very therapeutic about this place, and the amazing people that make up this community. Sometimes it's the sincere outpouring of caring and support that permeates a thread like this, and sometimes it's just the goofiness that can bring a smile to your face and a chuckle to your heart. Whatever it is, it often turns my day around, and I hope we can pay it forward to you now.

Give Michael a big hug from all of us, and you take care of yourself too Dawn. Find something to laugh at each and every day!

Very, Very Happy Trails,
Doug and Shannon


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## jnk36jnk

Amen, (because it has all been said before). Dean & Jodi


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## wolfwood

It's good to 'see' you, Dawn.

You _ARE_ an incredible woman, mom, friend, human being and ... I've missed you. We all have.

Look to the stars and smile, my friend. The future will again be bright.


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## louvel1

Dawn, I feel the same as everyone else. Stay strong and I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

LV


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## Nathan

Dawn,

Like the other's said, thanks for posting. I was just thinking of you the other day while reading threads on here. I'm happy to hear that you guys are coping with the terrible loss. All of us will always be here for you as friends to provide comfort or distraction. Please take care.


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## russlg

Dawn...
I don't know if you remember me, I joined last summer. Then I stopped coming here when I thought I wasn't getting an Outback and got a popup. One of the things I remembered most of my early time here was that you responded to almost every post I made AND every day, you posted a simple "happy birthday" to any Outbacker that was celebrating one. I had added you as a friend. When I came back after getting spring (or Outback) fever, I noticed you weren't around and was tempted to PM but didn't feel I knew you well enough to pry. I am truly saddened by your loss, as the others here are but was pleased to see you have returned! I too offer my support. Take care! Continue to be strong!!

Russ


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## z-family

.


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## Sayonara

Dawn,
my heart sank reading your story. So sad to hear of your loss. 
Our thoughts and prayers go out to you and your son. hang in there.

God Bless.
The Thomas'


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## Reverie

Dawn,

I am so sorry for you and your family on your loss. Your words were well-chosen and I can feel both your sadness and your hope through your writing. Each person experiences their loss in different ways and as I am sure you know, each day, each holiday brings about a reminder of the one that is no longer with you. Take comfort in knowing that no matter how lonely you feel you are truly never alone. I had to learn to keep memories alive without making my life a memorial to someone else, a lesson that was very difficult to learn. I pray for you and your family that you can move forward knowing that those that leave us can stay with us through our dreams, thoughts and prayers and will remain a presence in our lives. Please let us know how you and your family are doing.

May God bless you and keep you,

Nick Robinson


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## BritsOnTour

Dawn, you remain in our thoughts and prayers.

God Bless, Ali


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## folsom_five

Dawn,

It is good to see you online again. I was thinking about you and Michael this past Easter weekend as I sat on the Balboa Island ferry. I pray that you and your family keep up your strength as you cope with Pat's death.

--Greg


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## rdvholtwood

Dawn:

Thanks for sharing your story with us. You were missed and its great to see you back again. Lots of prayers headed your way!

Welcome Back!









Rick and Donna


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## BigBadBrain

We missed you too! PM sent.


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## clarkely

Wow!! I am so thankful for you to be able to share and to be fortunate enough to be here.

Welcome Back..........You & your son are still in our Prayers!!!

I had to walk away and cry and hug my wife and children and compose myself to come back to type anything.

Thank God for the video..........that your son can enjoy...........that part of your story touched me deeply.

Probably ramblings of my own above.........but i am still welled up and have a million thoughts racing through my mind after reading your post.

God Bless!!!

And everyone please make sure your loved ones know they are loved!! Life is Precious and unpredictable...


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## RizFam

Hey Dawn,

Even tho I knew the story, I still cried while reading it. 
I think of you and Michael often. I wish I lived closer, so we could spend time together.









I'm so glad you have been touched by so many good generous people.

Take care of yourself.

XO,
Tami


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## Holmes On The Road

> Wow!! I am so thankful for you to be able to share and to be fortunate enough to be here.
> 
> Welcome Back..........You & your son are still in our Prayers!!!
> 
> I had to walk away and cry and hug my wife and children and compose myself to come back to type anything.
> 
> Thank God for the video..........that your son can enjoy...........that part of your story touched me deeply.
> 
> Probably ramblings of my own above.........but i am still welled up and have a million thoughts racing through my mind after reading your post.
> 
> God Bless!!!
> 
> And everyone please make sure your loved ones know they are loved!! Life is Precious and unpredictable...


I found myself tearing up as well and I have not had the pleasure of meeting this family.

God Bless Dawn & Michael


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## cabullydogs

Dawn,

It's nice to see you. You are such a strong woman and Michael is so lucky to have such a strong role model.

Hugs to both of you.

Meredith


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## Joonbee

Dawn,

Seeing your post brought a smile to my face. My family thinks of you often and I was joyed to see you are "on your way" again. Your story although tragic has been such an inspiration for us all.

As I sit here holding my 4 month old beautiful boy, reading and writing. Know and take comfort in the fact that your tragedy has brought so many families closer together and has started a chain reaction of hugs all across the land. The very same hugs I share with my wife and little boy, I now share with you and your little boy. I can only say thank you from the bottom of my heart, because your strength has insured that my family and I will love each other, enjoy every day and think of you and Michael as we do, for many years to come.

I have also had the misfortune of losing my father early to a heart condition at the age of 56. As stated above, enjoy the memories and keep fighting the good fight. It is so worth it. I see my father everyday in his grandson, that he never met.

God bless you and Michael,

Jim


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## skippershe

Hi everyone...

I have read all of your replies and have received many pm's since my post yesterday. Your words of love and encouragement are so much appreciated. It's so nice to know that I can just re-appear and nothing has changed...Most of you are the best friends that I have never met.

I just wanted to add some advice for all of you who never think this could happen to you...Well, it can, cause it happened to me and it wasn't supposed to. Pat was 49 years old. We had talked about putting a living trust together but never did. Don't think that just because you are married to someone, that everything automatically becomes yours. I was told by an attorney that I was the poster child for how not to handle your estate affairs. Not only have I lost my husband, but I am also facing the fight of my life trying to get everything in order so Michael and I can stay in our house indefinitely. Things are working out slowly...but, not without major hassles.

The only good thing that has come out of this (if there can possibly be such a word in my vocabulary), is that I have lost over 20 pounds and have dropped 2 sizes. I was told it's called the AG diet, and I don't really recommend it to anyone.

I have learned that it is not easy to raise a child alone. I can't believe that I have been left to keep this little person alive and well and to have to make decisions I never had to make before...such as, what do I do with him during the entire summer while I have to work? The answer right now is day camp at $199.00 a week. We are waiting for final word that Michael will be able to attend a really nice day camp under a scholarship through a couple of our local churches.

Ok. so a major parenting faux pas that happened the other night...Because Direct TV had messed up something on my satellite bill, I asked them to give me some movie channels to make up for their mistake. Well, the other night I told Michael that it was time for bed (he sleeps with me now), so I turned on the tv and was pulling back the covers telling him to climb in, when I heard a really strange sound behind me and Michael's eyes got as big around as pancakes. Yep, it was after 9 pm and Cinemax was playing an adult content film, complete with...well you know...everything...

I grabbed a throw pillow and threw it over Michael's face to block the picture, telling him to keep it there till I could change the channel. Of course, he wanted to know why and what those people were doing...Another time dear...ask me in another 5 years...make that 10! All I can say is that Daddy should be here to help with this one when the time comes.

I think that what hurts the most are all the things that Pat will never get to see him accomplish in life. Since Pat's passing, I have taken Michael to the snow for his first time...A trip to Lego land and a trip to my sister's house up near San Francisco (in a plane, cause Michael wanted to fly). Now, Michael wants to meet Billy from Vexcon who is on the television show "The Exterminatore". Michael has become obsessed and keeps asking me if he'll ever meet Billy who happens to be located in Louisana. Washington DC is also on his list of places to visit.

Help!

Love, Dawn


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## skippershe

I forgot to add that many of you mentioned that you were surprised that I wrote the story about the night that Pat passed away.

I have been going to a bereavement support group though Hoag hospital and the grief councelor tells everyone there that they should write their stories. Well, instead of writing in a journal like a normal person, I decided to post it here. It felt good to get it all out. I replay that night over and over again in my head like a film clip and I can never get past the part where he collapsed. The words just spilled out and after I re-read my story, I hardly even remembered what I had written. Now, I can go back and revisit this thread whenever I feel the need for a good cry...I'm told that crying is the only way I'm ever going to get through this.


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## Katrina

I'm glad to see you're doing so well given the circumstances Dawn.

I'm also gonna take this moment to back up what she said about getting your affairs in order.
If you don't have a will and a living trust...then DO IT NOW!

If you don't think it can happen to you, well it can.
I'm 41 years old and I had a heart attack on Jan 29. I almost didn't make it because the severity was beyond anything the local hospital could do for me and I spent the next 30 minutes back in the ambulance heading to a bigger hospital.
That's a long time to lay there thinking about who's gonna take care of your wife and kids.

Dawn has my utmost sympathy and respect because I've been the guy laying in the floor looking up at his wife.
I'm glad she mentioned getting the affairs in order and I'll stand right beside her and toot that horn.
Jim


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## Collinsfam_WY

Dawn, I think of you often. Writing down your story is so theraputic. Crying helps more than anyone probably realizes. One day the crying will become less frequent. One day, probably not any time soon, but one day you will realize that the pain has lessened and that you can think of Pat without the searing pain that once was there. I pray for you that these days come soon. May God Bless you and Michael in the coming days and months.

Micah


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## Carey

I have thought of you and your son often since I found out what happened to Pat.. Like many have said I may have never meant you all, but even this big guy had tears for you..

I had a very good friend who was a truck driver and was 46 that we lost similar to Pat about a year ago. It shocked so many. He also was married and they also had a 14yr old son. I have seen how hard it was for her and her son with my own eyes. I feel so sorry for you and know how hard it must be to tell the story of Pat's passing so soon.

Dawn, you are a very strong person and someday will smile when you think of Pat.

With your energy and our prayers that someday will be sooner than later.

I have missed seeing your daily posts and hope things can even out for you and your son very soon..

Carey


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## Joonbee

skippershe said:


> Now, Michael wants to meet Billy from Vexcon who is on the television show "The Exterminatore". Michael has become obsessed and keeps asking me if he'll ever meet Billy who happens to be located in Louisana. Washington DC is also on his list of places to visit.
> 
> Help!
> 
> Love, Dawn


Sounds like you may need to keep a hold of that truck and trailer for a little while, Michael has some camping trips planned.


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## N7OQ

Dawn, even though I was sad to read the details in your story, I'm glad to see your posts. It also makes me sad that you have to sell the Outback and truck, I was so hoping I would get to meet you at a rally someday. I still have you and your son in my prayers, you are a strong women and know you will do OK. 
Take care and God Bless,
Your friend Bill


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## Colorado Campers

Dawn,
It so good to have you *back*, I also have thought of you often. Your story is one that no one would ever want to have to go through, but you seem to be strong and moving forward the best you can, at such a difficult time. My thoughts and prayers will continue to go out to you. Your son has a very special MOM.


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## California Jim

Hi Dawn. It's great to see you posting again, and getting the support you need from the resources available to you. As mentioned before, we (cal-jim & family) are here for you anytime. PM me if you need anything at all.

Jim


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## anne72

Dawn,

Thank you for sharing, it's a reminder to be thankful for each day we have with our loved ones. You have been through so much. I love that you scattered his ashes, I'm sure he was smiling down on you. You are truly and inspiration to us all and no matter what, you will always be a part of this very special outback family.


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## Calvin&Hobbes

To add another little addendum to Dawn's latest post- One of the guy's I work with, lost his wife suddenly after a "routine" exploritory surgery about 10 years ago.... He was left slack jawed with 4 DD's= 6, 9, 12, and 15. He didnt know how to get into the on-line banking programs (passwords), because his late DW took care of everything financial. And the bank, although ultimately helpful, wasn't at first. He had just grown so accustomed to his late DW doing everything, he never knew how to transfer money for the mortage, car payments, etc. Because of that, my DW and I have contingency plans, and all paperwork/ passwords etc are written down and in the safe deposit box.


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## mswalt

Dawn, welcome back.

Mark


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## DuaneEllison

Hey Dawn, Denise and I were just floored with your story and it teared us both up. I know we have only met a couple of times but you are a tremendous person and such a positive force (plus you beat those poor guys up at MT about our hitch). Just know you are not alone and you have an extended family here that you have touched a lot of people here. Words just can't express...

Duane & Denise...


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## MaeJae

Dawn,
I haven't been on in quite a while... 
My sister(campin) read the story of your heartache. She then told
me the details of your world turned upside-down and inside-out.

Please know that you and Michael are often thought of and
in our prayers.

MaeJae


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## Mgonzo2u

Dawn,

I just learned of this news today. I sent you a PM.


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