# Dating????



## sia (Jul 7, 2007)

O.K. ladies, this has nothing to do with camping. I think you are all wonderful and respect all of your opinions. As most of you know I am a widow. My friends and family have been awesome. They have all helped me out so much. The thing is the last few months my sister and my close friends have been bugging me to start dating again. I get the your young, beautiful, smart bla bla bla speech once a week.

The thing is I am not ready to date. To tell you the truth I don't think I ever will. I love my husband. It would totally feel like cheating on him. Besides I couldn't bring another man around my children.

well my sister and my friends think there is something wrong with this. That I am not over his death. Well I'm not. They think because he died when he was away. that I can make myself believe that his is still in Iraq. My sister even went as far as giving me a number to a phychologist.

I still stand my ground on this subject, but it seems the more I do the more they get mad at me. 
I know they are only trying to help. They just want me to be happy. But I am. I am happy and content. I have a great job, beautiful healthy children, Beautiful home, awesome friends and family. I really don't feel like I am lacking anything.

Maybe deep down it is bothering me. That is why I am coming to you all for advice. I stand firm on the dating thing. I will not open myself up to that. How can I make my sister and my friends understand that. (without them thinking I am more crazy)

Just last week we were at a benefit dance. A very handsome man, came up to talk to us. He was really nice and funny. he had a good job. But when he asked me to dance. I politley refused. My sister was so mad at me she wouldn't talk to me for a hour. She had to send him a drink to make up for my "rude behavior",

Sorry, now I am venting. when I shouldn't be.

Thanks for listening to me. I am so glad I have this site.

thanks again, Sia


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## Eagleeyes (Aug 1, 2007)

OK...I am not one of the ladies. But, I'm involved in minstry and I have been down this road a bit.

My advice: Stand your ground, and let no one lead you down a road you don't want to travel. There may come a time when you're ready, and then move forward. My wife suffered a loss before I met her (in fact, this is how I met her, and it's an interesting story over a glass of beer and some wings...), and she needed time to be her.

As for still loving your late husband, why not? You never said you would stop loving him if he passed away. Frankly, my wife still has love for her late spouse, and I wouldn't want that to change.

Now, don't argue with anyone, just thank them for their concern and tell them you're ok.

However, if you're NOT ok...that's different. But only YOU will know that.

Peace and all good things,
Bob


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## fspieg (Jul 31, 2006)

Eagleeyes said:


> OK...I am not one of the ladies. But, I'm involved in minstry and I have been down this road a bit.
> 
> My advice: Stand your ground, and let no one lead you down a road you don't want to travel. There may come a time when you're ready, and then move forward. My wife suffered a loss before I met her (in fact, this is how I met her, and it's an interesting story over a glass of beer and some wings...), and she needed time to be her.
> 
> ...


X2

I'm not one of the ladies either but Bob took the words right out of my mouth as I read your post. Just continue to politely stand your ground and only you will know in your heart when you are ready.


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## johnp (Mar 15, 2004)

Again not one of the ladies but by all means stand your ground its your life.

John


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## Zymurgist (Apr 2, 2007)

x3

Only you will know when you might want to travel that road. For now IMHO you have done things that have helped you, and your kids, and that is wonderful. Follow your heart and your feelings not someone elses.

Be well
Carl


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## campntn (Feb 20, 2005)

Too, not one of the ladies...
If it doesn't FEEL right, it's not right..regardless.
When and if it FEELS right, inside, then go with your heart.
Emphasize *YOUR* heart, not anyone else's.
You don't owe an explanation to anyone for what YOUR heart tells you to do. 
Reimburse your sister for the drink and move on.
Good luck!
Mark


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## Sayonara (Jul 23, 2007)

I am one of the ladies and I agree with Eagleeyes. His words were well written! Its unfortunate the situation you are in but it seems that you have adapted as well as could be expected. Just continue to be true to yourself and your feelings. With time, your friends and family will come to repect the decision you have made and maybe place less pressure on you to do what they feel is the right thing. Have fun and enjoy the wonderfull life and family you have the way you want. Good luck to you and your family!!

Ok, now i can go back to being one of the guys.....


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## Scoutr2 (Aug 21, 2006)

Eagleeyes said:


> OK...I am not one of the ladies. But, I'm involved in minstry and I have been down this road a bit.
> 
> My advice: Stand your ground, and let no one lead you down a road you don't want to travel. There may come a time when you're ready, and then move forward. My wife suffered a loss before I met her (in fact, this is how I met her, and it's an interesting story over a glass of beer and some wings...), and she needed time to be her.
> 
> ...


I. too, am not one of the ladies, but I agree with every word that Bob wrote! Whatever the reasons, you should follow your heart. Beginning to date again is a serious step that can only cause you confusion and deep consternation, if you are not up to it. And it would not be fair to you, your children, or the "guy" that you date to force yourself to do something that you don't feel comfortable with. It would only end badly for all concerned.

Your situation here is kinda like quitting smoking, or becoming religious - you have to do it for YOU, and not for others.

My grandmother lost her husband (my grandfather) at age 73. They'd been married for over 50 years when he passed away. Although she was quite grief stricken for a good time, she never even considered "dating" again. Then, after about 10 years (at age 83), she decided to start getting out more (at the recommendation of us grandkids and a psychologist for a group "grief counseling" therapy session) and she began taking some bus trips designed for seniors/retirees. While on one of these trips, she met a gentleman her own age. They had a lot in common (loss of a spouse), grew up in the same town in the same era, and she took up a casual relationship with him. Eventually, they began co-habitating (separate bedrooms).

Long story short - they stayed together for over ten years (unmarried) until he passed away. We all felt sorry for Grandma, having to lose a loved one again, but she would hear none of it. As much as she loved all of us - we just couldn't provide the day to day companionship that her live-in did. She was sad that he died, but thankful for the 10 years of "life" that he gave her.

So - where is this going?

Some day you may be like my grandmother and decide that you'd like that "day to day companionship" of someone who can relate to you and your station in life - someone to lean on - someone to be your sounding board - someone to pick you up when you're down. But for now, you have your children and your friends and family to help you when you're in need. Until you feel that something is missing and you'd like to explore the "dating" thing to test the waters, just hold your ground and enjoy life. Everything happens for a purpose - you've just not discovered yet the purpose of this point in your life. And only YOU can be the one to decide what's right and wrong - and when, or if to try something new.

As usual, the Outbackers "family" is here to provide support and words of encouragement. Just keep writing to us.

Good luck with your sister. Hope she begins to let up.

Blessings to you and your family!

Mike


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## OregonCampin (Mar 9, 2007)

I AM one of the ladies, but I agree wholly with the men - with an added piece!

The one thing that I have learned over the years is that when you go looking for something some times you don't get what you want, so I make a point of not looking and if I am ment to find, it will arrive on my door step as handsome, loving, goofy man that I now call my husband. Yes, there is a story here - a pretty simple one in fact. My husband and I met in a bar (no eye rolling please) - we were both with a group of friends that actually ended up merging by hanging out around a pool table. My now husband and I met there and continued to hang out via these friends for quite some time before we realized that cupid and struck, big time, while neither of us were looking. 7 years later the rest is history. I guess my point of this story is, just because you don't want to date, or look for someone new in your life (which is OK), don't close the door to it either. You might come away with a new friend or you might find something spectacular! From that night in the bar I have a wonderful husband (which I swear I didn't want) and one of the closest knit group of friends (actually, I should say family) that anyone could ever ask for.

Shannon


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## Horacio (Oct 3, 2007)

I Am one of the girls(just using my husband's id).I completely agree with the others, don't do it just to please your sister.When you are ready to date again, your heart wwill guide you in the right direction.I've been with my husband for 22 years(since 15yrs) I would not be able to be with anybody but him , I know that and nobody could tell me otherwise.Unless, some day there is some cheating on the way, not even death will tear us apart.Good luck and keep on writing, it feels good to share! Fernanda/


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## N7OQ (Jun 10, 2006)

I think you should get them all together and show them what you just wrote here and tell them you love them but it is your life. Along as you are happy that is all that matters.


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## loveland (Sep 24, 2007)

I am new to the site, just brought our 25rs home today. But wanted to share my story with you. I am also a widow that remarried a year ago. First I am so sorry to read of your lost. Hope God continues to walk with you on your families journey.

I lost my husband of 22 years while vacationing in Canada 4 years ago. I had a son 16 and a daughter 14. Took many years of counseling, grieving and learning to be a me instead of an us. Don't let your familes desires hurt your feelings, they just want the best for you. It was actually my mother in law who wanted me to start dating. I started dating after 2.5 years. Met him on line and a year later we tied the knot! I keep telling him how blessed he is to have two mother in laws!









My TT is a gift from my first husband, bought it with insurance money on what would have been our 26th anniversary. He was a state park ranger for 23 years and know he would want me to fulfill a dream we had wih my new blended family.

So be kind to yourself, take one day at a time and have comfort knowing that God knows the desires of your heart and has you in the palm of his hand.

Blessings
Linda


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## Lady Di (Oct 28, 2005)

Sia,

I am a female, and agree with everything that was written. It is Your life, not your sister's or anyone elses. Stay true to yourself and meet your and your chisdrens needs.
The grandmother story reminded me of my own grandmother who was widowed just before 50 years anniversary. She kept telling about those 'shaky old men' who wanted her to go out with them, and she didn't want a 'shaky old man. Well, a number of years passed,and we figured she met one who wasn't so 'shaky', cause she married him.








Stay away from 'shaky old men' and any others who won't respect you where you are.
Do continue to live your life as you are led.


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## munchkinmom (Sep 27, 2007)

Sia: Everyone has his/her own way of dealing with a loss. Whether it is by divorce or otherwise. You are wise to be by yourself. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you are right to think of your children. You also are not alone in still loving your husband. Before her death, my grandmother who was 94, was still madly in love with my grandfather, and that was 37 years after he passed away. A true love never ceases. Even if your family thinks they are doing what is best for you, only you know how you feel. If they have not lost a spouse, they can't really understand what you are feeling or going through. Divorce is one thing, but losing someone you love under your circumstances, is completely unique. You should hold your ground and do what is right for you and your children. Let your family know you love them, but their interferring hurts you and is not respectful of your feelings. You stay strong in your convictions.


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## mountainlady56 (Feb 13, 2006)

Sia,
I divorced my first husband many years ago, and because I didn't like being alone, I made a big mistake, when I married husband #2. Husband #1 was abusive, and so was #2. Well, I've been divorced from #2 for over 10 years, now, and have dated some, but only when I was ready, and NEVER when I felt vulnerable (being lonely, depressed, etc.). You have your kids, and that's what I decided to do.......enjoy myself and enjoy what time I can with them. Even tho the youngest can't be at home, right now, I can pick up and go visit him, take him on outtings, camping, whatever. 
The bottom line is these guys really did a great job of giving you advice, as did the gals. I agree that you should tell your family to "butt out" of your love life, but keep on loving you and being there to support the decisions YOU make. That's what your family's role should be at this time. You'll know if and when the time is right, and don't let them push you into something you're not ready for. Believe it or not, hubby #1 encouraged me to go out and was the reason I met #2!!








God bless and take care!
HUGS!
Darlene


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## Outback DeLand (May 6, 2007)

I am a woman, and I totally agree with Eagleeyes. Trust in your heart and God.

Anita


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## Rubrhammer (Nov 27, 2006)

Another guy checking in. I agree that you and God are the only ones who knows what is in your heart. When he sees you are ready he will move you onto the next phase of his plan. It is different for each of us so noone can tell you what is right for you. Until that time arrives be true to thine self.
If you haven't had any grief counseling, don't rule it out. You appear to have a strong personality and appear to be adjusting well but at some point you may feel that there is something that you just don't understand and that may get you the answer.
Bob


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## Pakeboy2 (Aug 13, 2005)

No woman here either, but take your time...happiness will come and find you...good luck!!!


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## MaeJae (May 12, 2005)

I agree with the well spoken words of Eagleeyes!



Sometimes friends or family will push in this way 

because of their own feelings. They see you, 

without a partner and that makes them feel bad.

When your family or friends "go out" it probably

makes them feel uncomfortable asking you to join

when it is a "couples" outing and they want your company too.

And thus, if you had someone it would make them feel better

asking you to join. 



Let tem know you do not want their pity, but their support and understanding!



MaeJae


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## Collinsfam_WY (Nov 9, 2006)

Well I am one of the ladies and I wanted to throw my story into the ring for you to consider.

I was 22 yrs old when my husband died. He served in the first Gulf War and came home with some health issues that gradually worsened and eventually killed him. We had been together for several years but only married for 6 months when he passed away.

I wasn't ready to date, didn't want to date and had no intention of remarrying any time soon and probably never. I would go out socially with female friends so I wasn't sitting at home wasting away or anything like that but I wasn't dating. Well, one of my friends put together an evening of playing pool with some friends and co-workers. I went with her and a guy from work, that I didn't know before meeting him at the pool hall, showed up with one of his friends. He was there with the intention of setting his friend up with my friend. That didn't work out but we have been together ever since. Everyone here knows him as Curtis. He actually made me tell him about my first husband's death on our first date even though he had already heard the story from my friend. Starting with an open book/clean slate so to speak.

I did see a counselor, while we were dating but not because we were dating, to deal with all the emotional and grief issues from the death. He was always supportive of me. I never would have been able to get through everything on my own.

Don't let anyone push you into dating. If it feels right to you then you will know.

Because you have kids they have to be your first priority. If you do decide to date eventually, I would not introduce anyone you date to them anytime soon. If you date you need to let them get used to the idea first, make sure that the person you are dating has some relationship potential and then when the timing is right for you and the kids you can introduce them. This would require you driving your own car on dates, but our mothers always told us that was safer anyways.









You will probably have to get blunt with the people that keep pushing you to date. Tell them to their face that you are not ready to date, if you ever do become ready to date you will handle the arrangements and until that time you would appreciate it if they would keep their opinions on the subject to themselves and allow you to deal with something so very personal at your own pace.

Good Luck and I am glad you feel comfortable enough on Outbackers to ask for opinions and advice here on something that is so personal.

Micah


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## Reverie (Aug 9, 2004)

Sia,
Another guys opinion... YOU are the best judge of what is right or wrong. Only you have your perspective and ultimately YOU will have to live with YOUR decisions.

When my Dad died suddenly, my Mom was in her late 50's. Despite the fact she had married my Father at age 15 (Mountain People) and had been married to my Dad for aver 42 years, Mom didn't spare any time jumping into another relationship and it was a disaster. You see, Mom was motivated not by her heart but by her fear of being alone. I guess if I were in her shoes I might have felt the same way but it was a cross she bore for many years. She will tell you now that her mistake was in not following her heart.

You follow your heart. You and your children have suffered a trauma that can only be healed by time and reflection. I am sure your Sisters mean well but they cannot possibly understand what is going on. If they think a relationship will quickly erase the pain and all will be well again, then I suggest they have watched way too many movies. When a good friends Mother died recently, my wife suggested I call her. Her rational was because I had lost a parent I would have sort of divine insight into her pain. It just doesn't work that way. Everyone has to work their way through it in their own way.

Remember this though, Life is Here for The Living. God gave us this great gift and it is not right to squander it. You take your time but don't forget to LIVE. I think you already understand that because you are getting out, meeting new people and making a life for yourself and your family. Someday, when the time is right and it feels right to you, things will work out. It could be tomorrow, or next month or next year or five years. Your beauty will not fade because true beauty radiates from within.

We may be somewhat anonymous to you in that we all have our screen names and friendly looking avatars, but you are out Sister. I've never met you but you and your family are always welcome to join us and the rest of our Outback family.

Love,

Reverie

Nick, K.D., Brooke and Steven Robinson


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## Thor (Apr 7, 2004)

Reverie said:


> Sia,
> Another guys opinion... YOU are the best judge of what is right or wrong. Only you have your perspective and ultimately YOU will have to live with YOUR decisions.
> 
> When my Dad died suddenly, my Mom was in her late 50's. Despite the fact she had married my Father at age 15 (Mountain People) and had been married to my Dad for aver 42 years, Mom didn't spare any time jumping into another relationship and it was a disaster. You see, Mom was motivated not by her heart but by her fear of being alone. I guess if I were in her shoes I might have felt the same way but it was a cross she bore for many years. She will tell you now that her mistake was in not following her heart.
> ...


Reverie

I do not know what to say - ..... - Well Said -

x2

Thor


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## campmg (Dec 24, 2005)

It seems it doesn't matter whether your're a guy or a girl. We all feel you know what's best for yourself. I don't have any great words of wisdom beyond whats already been written here. You obviously have some great family, children, and friends that care about you and that's what's really important.


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## mountainlady56 (Feb 13, 2006)

Thor said:


> Sia,
> Another guys opinion... YOU are the best judge of what is right or wrong. Only you have your perspective and ultimately YOU will have to live with YOUR decisions.
> 
> When my Dad died suddenly, my Mom was in her late 50's. Despite the fact she had married my Father at age 15 (Mountain People) and had been married to my Dad for aver 42 years, Mom didn't spare any time jumping into another relationship and it was a disaster. You see, Mom was motivated not by her heart but by her fear of being alone. I guess if I were in her shoes I might have felt the same way but it was a cross she bore for many years. She will tell you now that her mistake was in not following her heart.
> ...


Reverie

I do not know what to say - ..... - Well Said -

x2

Thor
[/quote]

I know what to say, as I'm proud to know the Reverie family. This is one fine, Christian family, and, Nick, just wish I'd had someone tell me all that many years ago........sure would have saved many heartaches for me and my family. The added part at the end about "Life is Here for the Living" is really important to remember, too, when you've suffered so many losses and have trouble letting go of the past (that's me!).
Thanks, Nick, for opening up to Sia.
HUGS!
Darlene


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## 3athlete (May 14, 2006)

```
Follow your heart and your feelings not someone else's
```
Sia,

You are obviously a strong, level headed woman. You know what is right for you and your family and have done everything possible to allow all of you to begin the healing process. IMHO I would tell my family to butt out and let me make my own choices. If they continue to push, maybe suggest they seek some counseling, they seem to have the issues, not you.

The advice given by all is great! Good luck and God bless.


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## jedmunson (Apr 14, 2006)

I am one of the ladies and this is something I have thought about and actually discussed with my husband.

I love my husband and wouldnt want to start over with another. That being said - I would also not want to bring in someone "new" to my children. I would think that loosing their father is hard enough and I would want to do what I could to see them through it. I have a great family and wonderful friends and feel pretty fulfilled and think I would manage....But no one knows until they have been through it and so you have my utmost respect and BEST WISHES and Godly blessings.....

Now - kids dont stay kids forever (sadly and thank goodness) and I could forsee a time when children are on their way out and on their own that I might like companionship. This could mean many different things - dates, a steady and maybe even a husband - only you can decide and only you know when it will be right for you and your munchkins.

You may need to have a heart to heart with your friends and family and tell them exactly what you told us - you are not ready and frankly, not interested and you will let them know when you are and until you give them "OK" they need to with love and respect, butt out...

The other side of this may be that they feel a little guilty for still having their husbands and they want the same for you - I have felt this with a close friend of mine whose husband left her. I felt myself scoping out men....and then chidded myself for butting in....She doesnt need me to find her one and if she did, she would tell me....

Now - feel totally free to tell me to butt out







You are doing an amazing job - you are setting a wonderful example - you are showing amazing grace under a situation that just stinks....YOU ROCK - keep it up and keep going....


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## deanintemp (Apr 3, 2007)

This might be a bit off topic. However, judging by your post it sounds as though your husband died in Irag...quite possibly serving his country? If so, I would like to thank you and your family for his service as he is an American hero that should NEVER be forgotten. I have a son serving in the Marines and could not be more proud of him and his patriotism!

I apologize for steering off-course a bit...


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## mswalt (Sep 14, 2004)

deanintemp,

You do realize this thread is TWO years old, right? According to her profile, Sia hasn't been active on the forum since Feb 08.

FYI.

Mark


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## Bennitt5 (Aug 22, 2008)

Follow your heart and no one elses!! God will guide you in the right direction!!!


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## deanintemp (Apr 3, 2007)

mswalt said:


> deanintemp,
> 
> You do realize this thread is TWO years old, right? According to her profile, Sia hasn't been active on the forum since Feb 08.
> 
> ...


Yea...that's great...I noticed the dates immediately after I posted and felt pretty stupid...lol


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## mswalt (Sep 14, 2004)

deanintemp said:


> deanintemp,
> 
> You do realize this thread is TWO years old, right? According to her profile, Sia hasn't been active on the forum since Feb 08.
> 
> ...


Yea...that's great...I noticed the dates immediately after I posted and felt pretty stupid...lol
[/quote]

No reason to feel stupid. I know someone else who's done that.









Mark


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## Collinsfam_WY (Nov 9, 2006)

What on earth are you dudes doing in the Women's RV'ers corner? Wait a sec...what am I doing here???









-CC


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## JerseyGirl86 (Mar 30, 2009)

collinsfam_tx said:


> What on earth are you dudes doing in the Women's RV'ers corner? Wait a sec...what am I doing here???
> 
> 
> 
> ...


...to get in touch with your "feminine side" of course.

Does someone need to talk?







I'm here for you...


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## JerseyGirl86 (Mar 30, 2009)

[quote name='collinsfam_tx' date='24 October 2009 - 08:55 PM' timestamp='1256432107' post='368076']
What on earth are you dudes doing in the Women's RV'ers corner? Wait a sec...what am I doing here???









-CC

...to get in touch with your "feminine side" of course.

Does someone need to talk?







I'm here for you...


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